Today (01May20) is my 8th day on home quarantine (article to follow). Being on ‘House Arrest’ has allowed me plenty of time to research historical records concerning pandemics and plagues. Observing CNN broadcasts, from various levels of government, has allowed me to make my prediction of the cures (mostly political in nature; however, each household’s situation is different, so you need to select the one that best conforms to your situation) that will eventually be publicized by Team Jared. Covid Cures, In reverse order:
13: Smoking. Make sure you have a brazier of brimstone (sulfur) burning in your home. Also, all persons (regardless of age) need to smoke tobacco. The Big 5 Tobacco Companies will agree.
12: Vinegar. Merchants should leave vinegar filled bowls in which customers can place their payments. Additionally, we should all ingest vinegar (white or apple) to kill the virus.
11: Lucky Charms. NOT the cereal. These are talismans that are known to ward off evil. Rabbits foots, dead toads about the neck, a copper penny in the shoe, etc.
10: Unicorn Horns & Frog Legs. Don’t know where you can find a horn, but you can certainly find a frog leg at a French Restaurant (oops – they’re closed). This cure also purports the ingestion of small doses of mercury, arsenic, and other heavy metals.
9: Prayer, Prayer, and More Prayer. I’m very positive that monetary donations to religious leaders are also required for this cure.
8: Flowers & Herbs. Sniffing them, carrying them around – AND ‘a pocket full of posies’ will certainly help.
7: Whip Yourself. Self-flagellation will most certainly prove your piety and –therefore- the virus will pass you by (see step 9 above for further guidance).
6: See A Doctor. Naturally, these cures are from the Black Plaque, so the Doctor will most likely need to Leech You, Lance Any Boil, Burn Aromatic Herbs near Your Nose, Have You Ingest Vinegar (white or apple), Have You Inhale Brimstone or Tobacco – you get the picture. Today’s Doctors will test you for the virus (if you’re rich, famous, or politically connected) then tell you to self-quarantine, drink plenty of fluids, rest, and hope for the best.
5: Avoid The Sick. DUUUHHHHH! Unfortunately, avoidance always leads to neglect. We shun those whom we think are infected. This is also true in the medical community. Can we blame them?
4: Kill Troublemakers. This was rampant in 1348-49 (black plaque days). Society, via their appointed leaders, focused on ethnic populations as the cause of the pandemic/plaque. The result was – Kill them and We’ll Be Safe – a part of history that I truly hope will not repeat (Hitler would have loved this coronavirus pandemic).
3: Avoid Gerbils. WOW – all the way back to 1348-49? After the early 1980’s phenomenon of ‘Gerbilling’ (see Wikipedia) I think we can all agree that Gerbils are not a cause of Covid.
2: Avoid The Summer. How the hell do you avoid summer? Apparently, the Black Plaque was active in hot weather. Covid is supposedly active in cold weather, so I suppose we’re supposed to avoid Fall and Winter.
1: Sealing the House & the People in It. The Most Effective Cure (in London during 1348-49) was boarding up the home of the infected people. The duration was a minimum of 40-Days. Nothing; people, supplies, communication, was allowed in or out of the house. Guards were posted to ensure the quarantine and eradicate anything or anyone violating the quarantine.