For over 30 years I have been collecting jokes and currently have three (3), four inch binders filled. Naturally, some of my material is drawn from this collection. Sadly, I am unable to credit the original authors as most are really old printed items with no progeny. This article is one of my favorites. Here’s to those who religiously read their daily horoscopes, and base their decisions on the prognostications’ of charlatans. In an effort to reduce this daily reading and streamline your life, Joe GED hereby presents YOUR LIFETIME HOROSCOPE:
ARIES (21Mar – 19Apr): You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, overbearing and scornful of advice. You are a prick.
TAURUS (20Apr – 20May): You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a damn communist.
GEMINI (21May – 20Jun): You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you’re bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
CANCER (21Jun – 22Jul): You are sympathetic and understanding of other people’s problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That’s why you’ll always be on welfare and never be worth a shit.
LEO (23Jul – 22Aug): You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and can’t tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leos are always thieving bastards.
VIRGO (23Aug – 22Sep): You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold, unemotional and often fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers or pimps.
LIBRA (23Sep – 22Oct): You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely a queer. Most Libra women are excellent whores. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. All Libras die of venereal disease.
SCORPIO (23Oct – 21Nov): You are shrewd in business and can’t be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success due to your total lack of ethics and morals. You are a “plum-perfect” son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS (22Nov – 21Dec): You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck because you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunkards and dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal because you’re always getting fucked.
CAPRICORN (22Dec – 19Jan): You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don’t do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for long periods of time as they tend to attract pigeons that delight in decorating statues with their puny turds.
AQUARIUS (20Jan – 18Feb): You have an inventive mind and are apt to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you’re stupid.
PISCES (19Feb – 20Mar): You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have much influence over your associates and people hate you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and generally are a coward. Pisces people screw small animals.