Here we are, halfway through 2018, and deep into June Gloom. I mostly approach life with a sarcastic outlook. However, after receiving a letter from my corporate overlords, I’m trending toward despair. I’ve redacted some information -before posting- in an effort to avoid legal repercussions. Hopefully, you will not receive something similar. Here’s to Making America Great Again!
********REDACTED LETTER RECEIVED VIA CERTIFIED MAIL*************
June 1, 2018
(Corporate address redacted)
(Mailing address redacted)
Subj: Termination of Surplus Personnel
A comprehensive study of our current computer capabilities, combined with the ever increasing trend of on-line shopping, makes it necessary to give serious consideration to the termination of surplus personnel. You are receiving this letter as your current position is considered redundant. Our projections have determined that our ever increasing customer base, of the millennial generation, would rather shop on-line than in our stores.
In accordance with corporate policy, a new program is hereby instituted in order to phase out all surplus personnel by the end of the fiscal year. This program is known as R.A.P.E. (Retire All Personnel Early) and is effective immediately.
Employees who are RAPE’d will be given the opportunity to seek other employment, while still employed, provided that while they are being RAPE’d they request a report of their work record before the discharge takes place. This phase of the operation is known as S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPE’d and SCREW’d may also appeal for a final review to determine if they could be re-employed to another position in the corporation. This phase of the operation is known as S.H.A.F.T. (Study of Higher Authority Following Termination).
Present corporate policy dictates that employees may be RAPE’d once and SCREW’d twice, but may get the SHAFT as many times as management deems appropriate.
- B. A. Dick