JANUARY:

Baby On Board 1:  Has anyone else noticed that a significant majority of people with the, “Caution Baby On Board” decals drive like idiots?

Baby On Board 2:   Donald J. Trump (much to the chagrin of the Democrats, who refer to him as the Kim Jong-Un of the USA) takes office.  His popularity would have gone through the roof if he had only listened to my advice and deported Justin Bieber (the international poster boy for retro-active abortion) back to Canada.  It’s not too late to start the movement, #DeportJustinBieber!

FEBRUARY:

   The January winds destroyed my garage roof.  Though covered by my home owners insurance, I would still need to come up with the $1,000 deductible.  Naturally, my first thought for repair was my highly skilled brother.  We could have probably done the repair for well under the deductible.  However, as my brother was trained by the Marine Corps as a Combat Engineer, I knew his repair would also contain 500 pounds of C4 in order to deny enemy usage at some future date.  I bit the bullet and went with a roofing company (cost over $2.5k).

MARCH:

   After 23+ years of my Mexican in-laws residing in my home, you would think that I would be fluent in Spanish (or they in English).  Perhaps our old brains are incapable of learning another language.  However, I am convinced my lack of fluency has spared my life as I don’t understand what’s discussed (in Spanish) prior to/after each of my mother in-law’s trips to Mexico.  Bear in mind that she doesn’t work but always has money (be it pesos or dollars).  I’ve noticed that the news is always talking about Drug King Pins.  I’ve also noticed that every time my mother in-law travels to Mexico, some US King Pin is arrested or killed a couple of weeks after she departs.  Conversely, one or more Mexican King Pins are arrested or killed a couple of weeks after she returns.  Think about it – plausible deniability.  No one would ever suspect a little old lady of being the ultimate Queen Pin.  This last December (2016) she was unable to travel so my sister in-law went in her stead.  A couple of months after her return, there was an extremely aggressive removal of a King Pin and crew in Tepic, Nayarit.  My sister in-law is not known for subtlety, but rather direct action.  See the link for the result of her checking on the empire (someone forgot to pay their tribute).    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlzigmxiMCo

APRIL:

   The Great Pussification of America continues.  Safety helmets, knee and shoulder pads and other gear is now required for riding a bicycle, roller skating, roller blading and skate boarding.  I have no idea how we made it into our 40’s and 50’s when we NEVER used such crap as kids.  Everyone is running around apologizing for everything and cautioning on the news that, “the video you are about see may be disturbing.”  We are becoming more and more technologically advance, yet socially inept.

   Organic Products.  What a marketing gimmick!  Label anything as ‘organic’ and you can triple the selling price.  Seems to me that if the produce/meat had little bit of shit or dirt, it would better qualify as organic.  Country or Farm Fresh should actually smell like animal crap, not some type of fu-fu/French whore fragrance.  Just take a trip to the real country side/farm, sniff around, and you’ll realize what I mean.

   Political Correctness has reached an all-time new high.  Witness the progression of the term for bathroom.

  1. Outhouse or shitter.
  2. Crapper (advent of indoor plumbing – purportedly named after Sir John Crapper).
  3. Water Closet, Head (nautical), Bathroom, Restroom
  4. Late 20th Century – Defecation Plaza
  5. Early 21st Century – Organic Waste Disposal Facility

MAY:

   It has now been a few months since I was offered and accepted full time (after 2.5 years) at The Home Depot.  I work the closing shift (3pm – midnight, with a 1-hour lunch).  The position came with a 5cent per hour raise, so I’m now making five cents over minimum wage.  They’re always serving meals and snacks to the employees (which probably explains their girth) so increased pay is explained away with that benefit.  Regardless, it’s fun working there.  I’m still amazed at the number of customers who tear open see-through packages of screws, nuts, bolts, etc. to make sure the sizes you helped them find are actually correct.  They then buy an unopened package of the exact same product or brazenly ask for a discount because the package is open!  The opened package is then returned to the vendor.  Naturally, prices increase and the same offending customers complain about the rise in prices.

JUNE:

   My patio areas are pretty relaxing.  Especially the covered area with its fake grass, couches, chairs, tables, fire pit, potted plants and cable television.  We added a three tiered fountain for the birds and the soothing sound of cascading water.  The small, but acceptable, side effect is the need to pee within 10-15 minutes of sitting down.  We then added a resonating bamboo fountain for more ambience.  This resulted in the need to pee being reduced to 3-5 minutes.  Like fools, we have since added a small “babbling brook” fountain.  The unfortunate resulting synergistic effect is an immediate and uncontrollable voiding of the bladder upon sitting down.

JULY:

   I drive a V8, 4x4 truck so gas price is a huge concern.  I researched the web for ways to improve my mileage and implemented the 10-Easy Steps recommended.  Here’s the results:

  1. Avoid Road Rage. I stopped aggressive driving for a 10% savings.
  2. Avoid Long Drive-Thru Lines. This went hand in hand with plan/combine trips. Parking and walking in saved 5%.
  3. Lighten Your Load. I washed my truck and cleaned out the drive-thru detritus saving another 5%.
  4. Alignment. This one cost some money but it resulted in a 15% savings.
  5. Tire Pressure. No cost to keep the tires inflated to vehicle manufacturer recommendation for a 20% savings.
  6. Use a Bed Cover (money-nope) or Leave Tailgate Open (free-yup). Saved another 15%.
  7. Use Cruise Control. Works great on the highway but a little tricky in city driving.  Still saved another 10%.
  8. No AC Use. Though it got hot when stopped at a light or in a traffic jam, I did save another 20%.
  9. Turn Off Vehicle In Traffic Jam. This saved another 5%.  Unfortunately, my truck is 13 years old and I had to get jump started resulting in road rage from other drivers.  I’ll still count this percentage savings.
  10. Tune Up. Step 9 led to the huge cost of this step.  Fortunately I saved a whopping 25%.

Having followed the expert advice provided on the internet, I am now saving 130% in gas prices.  This requires that I pull into the gas station every month and have a few gallons drained.

AUGUST:

   The political pundits and news agencies are still bitching about the 2016 elections.  Even stronger complaining is the “Russian Meddling” in our internal affairs.  Of course they did (and still do).  Just like every country, including ours, does in every other countries affairs.

SEPTEMBER:

   As we all know, Equifax finally announced their data base was hacked (5 weeks ago) and everyone’s data has been compromised.  See the Stephen Colbert video below – he put it much better than I ever could.  On the bright side, my Equifax score went from 609 to 720.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyIEd5QVkyc

OCTOBER:

   My World Famous FaceLip rantings finally received a permanent home on the web.  No more mass e-mailings.  The host has promised that no one who logs on (to this site) and reads the postings will ever receive spam mailings from the site.  However, I have noticed that the number of e-mails from ‘unknown sources’ in my spam folder has tripled.  Help spread the word and promote the website.  I’ll probably be posting a couple of new rants per month.  I was going to add a toll free number as a joke (1-800-666-1369 [free, the devil, unlucky c**k sucker]) but the number actually exists for Fox Chevrolet in Gwynn Oak, MD.  Just shows that I actually do research AND that the joke’s on me.

NOVEMBER:

   POLITICALLY CORRECT TERMS:

Why doesn’t anyone complain about Black Friday?

Why doesn’t anyone complain about White Christmas?

  SMOKING:  I posted two articles in November.  One is about the new diet in my household (still have not received any food coupons/cards or donations).  The other article was about my November trip to Mazatlán, Mexico.  I did purchase cigarettes while in Mexico.  It’s interesting to note that a 24-pack costs about $2.47usd.  However, Mexican law requires ‘politically correct’ pictorial depictions of cancer resulting from smoking.

CigsInMexico

 

DECEMBER:

   DATA HACKS: Some of this crap hit the news during previous months this year.  It seems that Equifax announced a HUGE data breach in September – but the actual breach was in July.  Additionally, they revealed that their database had been hacked over one year ago.  Naturally, finger-pointing and resignations occurred (plus big retirement/performance bonus payments).  Toward the end of November, Uber also announced that it had been hacked (over a year ago) but they paid the hackers $100k to keep the information off the dark web.  Uber’s new CEO – Dan Khosrowshahi – made the public announcement along with promises to rectify the situation.  The news outlets were all over it, but failed to mention that Khosrowshahi was previously employed in an executive level position with Equifax!  In late December, the news was that Uber was hacking other companies for data and technology.

  TAX CUT:  Once again our politicians are “fighting” for us on tax cuts for the 2017 filing year.  This is another one of those politically correct terms that sounds good, but actually means something else.  We think our taxes are going to be cut (lower).  What they actually mean is that they’ll be cutting more into our pay – thus the term Tax Cut.