Typically (in the USA) we have 3 meals per day (breakfast, lunch, dinner).  They often consist of high starch, grain and meat content.  The ladies in my home have all recently been on this extremely strict Spanish language diet.  As I only know how to make micro-wave popcorn, toast and that awful instant coffee, by default - I too have been on the diet.  It must be noted that the diet requires 5 meals per day (breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner and supper) so it would seem that more food is consumed.  Naturally, the new 5-meal food cost is 60% greater than the traditional 3-meal price.  There are well over 10 distinct, and somewhat liberal choice menus involved in this seeming cornucopia of gluttony.  I have painstakingly (in excess of 82 hours) translated excerpts (via my 50lb Spanish-To-American English Dictionary) from select menus to provide you a better understanding of my nutritional dilemma.  NO salt, pepper or other spices are allowed (unless expressly noted).  Thanksgiving 2017 is a bust.

1. BREAKFAST (0800):

Boil 3 free-range Pheasant eggs in 1-1/2 cups of distilled water and burn 2 pieces of 32-grain organic bread.

Shell the eggs and scape off the burnt crust.

Dip 1 coffee bean in the boiled water (for 5 minutes).

Combine the egg shells and scraped crusts (throw away the remaining eggs & burnt toast, or feed them to your pets or anyone in your household not on this diet).

Eat 2/3rds of the combined shells/burnt crusts while drinking 1/2 of the coffee bean water.

Save the leftovers for later.

2. BRUNCH (1100):

Boil 2 cups of mixed/diced vegetables (your choice) in 2 cups of Yak piss (available at any reputable Asian grocer).  Strain veggies and allow piss to cool for later.

Squeeze 1 medium sized lime into 1-1/2 cups of distilled water (you may add 1/2 fluid ounce of white vinegar for taste).

Eat 1-1/2 cups of veggies and drink 1 cup of lime water.

Save the leftovers for later.

3. LUNCH (1400):

Finely chop 3 cups of mixed/unsalted nuts (your choice) with 1 cup of fresh spinach leaves.

Eat 2-cups of the mixture accompanied by 1 cup of cooled Yak piss from brunch menu.

Save the leftovers for later.

4. DINNER (1700):

Boil 1 small lamprey-eel (available at any reputable Asian grocer) in 2 cups of sea water.

Strain boiled lamprey and steep 1 ounce of green tea leaves in remaining water.

Eat 2/3rds of lamprey and drink 2/3rds of tea.

Save the leftovers for later.

5. SUPPER (2000):

This is your final meal of the day and will carry you through the long night. Please eat and drink ALL of the leftovers from the four previous meals!  You may add a pinch of salt, pepper or other spice (one choice only) as a reward.

  Hopefully, you will now realize the seriousness of my predicament and send pre-paid meal vouchers or fast food gift cards to; Starving Dude, c/o Dave’s Digital Devices (the site administrator can provide a confidential PO Box address and tax deductible number).  Maybe some computer genius can set up one of those ‘Go Fund Me’ accounts or other website for donations.  It could be called Starving Dude and have some of those whining pleas, depressing music and pitiful pictures designed to guilt trip.  You know, the Sally Struthers or Sarah McLachlan type:  “For Just 30-Cents per day you can help feed this Starving Dude!” and “Your donations will make a difference in this poor white-trash person's life.”