So, it’s May 2019 and I haven’t come up with anything new. However, in December 2018, I bought a 2019 calendar and thought you might like its take on tools. The following is from Toolology, from the 18-Month Calendar (2019) published by Blue Zulu, an imprint of Willow Creek Press, Inc.*
The Bandsaw: A tall machine useful for cutting aluminum sheets and excels at digit removal.
The Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style tin oil cans; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
The Hammer: Historically a weapon of war, the hammer today is used as a device to throw across the room or miss your targets entirely.
The Circular Saw: Power saw primarily used by most people to cut good 2x4’s into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside edge of the line instead of the outside.
The Table Saw: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles at the speed of light across the room.
The Air Compressor: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire and rounds them off.
The Pipe Cutter: Hand tool comprised of a grasping device and three sharp-edged wheels forced inward by screw pressure that cuts PVC piping too short.
The Wrench: Generally used before pliers to completely round off bolt heads. Also used in the creation of blood-blisters.
The Grinding Wheel: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench to never be seen again. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses.
The Belt Sander: A sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up projects into major refinishing projects.
The Utility Knife: Used to cut through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Also useful for slicing through work clothes, but only while in use.
The Tape Measure: A tape of cloth, paper, or steel marked off in a linear scale, as of inches or centimeters, for taking measurements that you will undoubtably forget.
*I’ll probably get sued for plagiarism.